So today is the start of my new blog....
I am hoping by sharing my story that I am able to connect with those who have been struggling like myself with the loss of a loved one. I have seen first hand what unchecked grief can do to a person and the lives of those grief touches. I have seen people who can't deal turn to drinking as well as turn there grief to anger.
This is my story and my road to acceptance and healing.
April 27th 2011 started out like any other day, by that time I was struggling to keep myself from going into pre term labor at this point I was on week two of pre term labor. I was not able to sleep and and I kept feeling the small contractions coming about 4 minutes apart so I called my S/O who worked nights and told him he needed to get home because the contractions were so close and my boys were fast asleep.
I went in, got hooked up to the machines and as soon as I was hooked up Asa began to move vicariously which was not normal he was pretty mellow, I thought this weird so I brought it up with the nurse at that time she stated "he's just reacting to the noise of the machine" and she left the room, I felt really uneasy about her explanation but I trusted the medical staff as I spent the last 5 years working along side them, about an hour or so later she comes back with meds and asks me if it's okay to give me meds to stop my labor, another eyry feeling came over me but before I can say anything she injected the meds into my IV so I though it pointless that she even asked, as she did so she told me the drug was a drug of last resort.
I was sent home around 7:30am by that time I was of coarse tired and went right to bed and slept about 16 hours when I woke up later that night I thought it unusual that I hadn't felt Asa move not even in my sleep but I kept telling myself that I was over thinking, everything was going to be okay.
April 28th 2011 the day I will never forget I came in around 4 or 5am just before daylight broke called the OB floor to let them know I was coming back in with mild 3 minute contractions when I got their they started to hook me up to the machines, the nurse tried to find the heart beat and was having trouble, when I saw her face I knew something was wrong and so did she, 15 minutes later the Dr on call came in with an old fashioned ultrasound machine and started to attempt to find the baby's heart beat.
It didn't take her long to look at me and tell me to call my S/O to be with me because she was not finding a heart beat, at that moment I knew he was gone and I held back every emotion until they left the room and right as I was about to let it all out a nurse came in and tried to console me, I knew I had to call my S/O but this is not news you ever want to give over the phone plus my two boys were sleeping and I didn't want to wake them so I called my S/O's father and instantly he knew something was wrong and when he asked me I just burst into tears I didn't want to tell him but I needed my S/O.
My S/O was waken out of a dead sleep to his dad banging on the door, when he opened it I am sure he knew something was wrong, he didn't even know I left for the hospital within an hour my boss,2 co workers and S/O were by my side. I was wheeled into the ultrasound room for an official confirmation I couldn't help but feel numb, I wanted to cry and scream at the same time but I kept control of my emotions.
When I got back to the OB room I was given 2 options deliver via csection or be medevac'd to try to deliver the baby naturally which would give me the best chance at having another baby if I wanted, so of coarse I told them to Medevac me...
We got to Anchorage and we started to process, I was induced and by hour 3 the drug induced contractions were right on top of each-other 1 1/2 - 2 minutes apart and boy were they off the charts literally and extremely painful, I felt like the life was being sucked out of me by hour 5 I had enough the epidural wasn't helping and I felt what they said was adhesion separating from my abdomen was and it scared me, at that moment I asked for the csection I felt I gave all I could give.
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