Moving on but not forgetting

So allot has happend since my last post......

I had allot going on and decided to talk to a councilor, this first visit was a consultation, of coarse its a I.H.S mental health clinic....

I knowledge that I have been driving those in my house crazy with so many emotions it's not even funny, but its hard to find an outlet for the kind of grief I have been experiencing and I can't help but feel a little alone since people can't fully understand the loss of a child unless they themselves have been through it..

After telling the councilor about why I was sitting in his office he asked they typical questions and veered off coarse with other issues I've been having, he told me that over the next two sessions I should deal with the baby issue for at least two sessions, now I would love to do that but that at this point would be 2 sessions over the next 4 months, I would rather see an outside IHS councilor every week..

Some times I feel the IHS is one big joke, I mean come on it will take 4 moths of 2 sessions to deal with something I want to deal with now.

I have been through counseling in the past and I feel it gave me great tools to deal with issues that are hard for those who never had counseling.

This is were I feel this blog will really help me whether or not anyone is reading.

I have my days where I hold a baby and feel so disconnected which is not me at all, I love babies, some times I have to hold back the emotions because all I can think about when I hold another baby is how old Asa would have been, what mile stones he would have reached and most of all what his personality would have been like, and its hard to always hide those tears away so that your not upsetting a mother while holding her baby......

It's also heart breaking that my two sons have been having a hard time dealing with the loss of Asa, they were very much a part of my pregnancy, they would rub my belly and talk to him, they were at every ultrasound. So when we found out it was only natural for them to be heart broken as well after all they wanted to be big brothers.

Anxiety has riddled my oldest, ever since we lost the baby he hates for me to be out of site, he cries at night for his little brother, I just have to keep telling him that Asa is in a better place being cared for by those we've lost who love him, death is a hard thing to process when your 8.

Its hard to talk about the very issue of loosing your child so close to delivery, it makes people uneasy and even people you love don't want to bring it up.

I look forward to a day when I can look back and feel healed in my heart, always going to be a work in progress.

Not so alone

I must say that I did have support from a few amazing people in my life one of them being my cousin.

A few weeks before everything transpired I was on the verge of not talking to her, it was childish reasons I can admit that and I knew that this one comment was one I let slide, We've always had a competitive relationship and I knew that I needed to be adult and let the comment roll off my shoulder even though it really upset me.

I would never imagine just how much I would come to lean on her once I got to Anchorage, it just moved me to see her waiting for me in the OB unit. I have a fair amount of family in Anchorage but she was one of few that came to support me throughout my ordeal, she spent the first day and night with me while I tried to birth naturally.

No matter what I will always love my cousin even if we're not talking I know now that we will always be there when we need each other the most M.E.D I will always keep you close in my heart you will never know how much your support during this time has meant to me............

Contiued.........

After Asa's delivery I was still in a state of shock and wanting answers.

I opted to cremate which is something I now regret, I was told this it happens more than most know and more often than not they wouldn't find a cause of death. At that time full of emotion and after spending 10 minutes with Asa after delivery I did not want anyone cutting him open, the thought just made me sick to my stomach.

I wish I would have made different choices, for along time I blamed myself, was I not active enough? did I put to much on my plate? all kinds of things go through you mind when you loose a baby. I was stressed and wouldn't admit it to anyone, work took allot out of me while I was pregnant going to work was one thing having to jump and go into work because I was on call put allot more stress on me and knowing what I know now I would have requested to be taken off on call but at the same time I had a co worker who wouldn't understand why she would have to shoulder more of the burden even though I was no longer a travel coordinator I still took on responsibilities of two jobs...

The providers did a lupus test before I left to deliver the baby and 6 weeks post op the results were in both tests showed mild elevated numbers with meant that I had silent inflammation. I have since read on the subject of silent inflammation during pregnancy and have read that people who have this condition are at increased risk of miscarrying or having still birth which again brought up more questions than it answered.

I was never given an answer past these things happen and sometimes we can't explain it, so I still have lots of questions, if I did have inflammation why wasn't it caught sooner and was it responsible for his death, or was it the last resort drug? or the morphine they gave me to " on " rest. I may never know but I still wonder.

Grief

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight". ~Kahlil Gibran


So today is the start of my new blog....


I am hoping by sharing my story that I am able to connect with those who have been struggling like myself with the loss of a loved one. I have seen first hand what unchecked grief can do to a person and the lives of those grief touches. I have seen people who can't deal turn to drinking as well as turn there grief to anger.


This is my story and my road to acceptance and healing.

April 27th 2011 started out like any other day, by that time I was struggling to keep myself from going into pre term labor at this point I was on week two of pre term labor. I was not able to sleep and and I kept feeling the small contractions coming about 4 minutes apart so I called my S/O who worked nights and told him he needed to get home because the contractions were so close and my boys were fast asleep.

I went in, got hooked up to the machines and as soon as I was hooked up Asa began to move vicariously which was not normal he was pretty mellow, I thought this weird so I brought it up with the nurse at that time she stated "he's just reacting to the noise of the machine" and she left the room, I felt really uneasy about her explanation but I trusted the medical staff as I spent the last 5 years working along side them, about an hour or so later she comes back with meds and asks me if it's okay to give me meds to stop my labor, another eyry feeling came over me but before I can say anything she injected the meds into my IV so I though it pointless that she even asked, as she did so she told me the drug was a drug of last resort.


I was sent home around 7:30am by that time I was of coarse tired and went right to bed and slept about 16 hours when I woke up later that night I thought it unusual that I hadn't felt Asa move not even in my sleep but I kept telling myself that I was over thinking, everything was going to be okay.

April 28th 2011 the day I will never forget I came in around 4 or 5am just before daylight broke called the OB floor to let them know I was coming back in with mild 3 minute contractions when I got their they started to hook me up to the machines, the nurse tried to find the heart beat and was having trouble, when I saw her face I knew something was wrong and so did she, 15 minutes later the Dr on call came in with an old fashioned ultrasound machine and started to attempt to find the baby's heart beat.

It didn't take her long to look at me and tell me to call my S/O to be with me because she was not finding a heart beat, at that moment I knew he was gone and I held back every emotion until they left the room and right as I was about to let it all out a nurse came in and tried to console me, I knew I had to call my S/O but this is not news you ever want to give over the phone plus my two boys were sleeping and I didn't want to wake them so I called my S/O's father and instantly he knew something was wrong and when he asked me I just burst into tears I didn't want to tell him but I needed my S/O.

My S/O was waken out of a dead sleep to his dad banging on the door, when he opened it I am sure he knew something was wrong, he didn't even know I left for the hospital within an hour my boss,2 co workers and S/O were by my side. I was wheeled into the ultrasound room for an official confirmation I couldn't help but feel numb, I wanted to cry and scream at the same time but I kept control of my emotions.

When I got back to the OB room I was given 2 options deliver via csection or be medevac'd to try to deliver the baby naturally which would give me the best chance at having another baby if I wanted, so of coarse I told them to Medevac me...

We got to Anchorage and we started to process, I was induced and by hour 3 the drug induced contractions were right on top of each-other 1 1/2 - 2 minutes apart and boy were they off the charts literally and extremely painful, I felt like the life was being sucked out of me by hour 5 I had enough the epidural wasn't helping and I felt what they said was adhesion separating from my abdomen was and it scared me, at that moment I asked for the csection I felt I gave all I could give.

I am still trying to find my piece over a year later and I will be writing in this blog everyday about my struggles....