Moving on but not forgetting

So allot has happend since my last post......

I had allot going on and decided to talk to a councilor, this first visit was a consultation, of coarse its a I.H.S mental health clinic....

I knowledge that I have been driving those in my house crazy with so many emotions it's not even funny, but its hard to find an outlet for the kind of grief I have been experiencing and I can't help but feel a little alone since people can't fully understand the loss of a child unless they themselves have been through it..

After telling the councilor about why I was sitting in his office he asked they typical questions and veered off coarse with other issues I've been having, he told me that over the next two sessions I should deal with the baby issue for at least two sessions, now I would love to do that but that at this point would be 2 sessions over the next 4 months, I would rather see an outside IHS councilor every week..

Some times I feel the IHS is one big joke, I mean come on it will take 4 moths of 2 sessions to deal with something I want to deal with now.

I have been through counseling in the past and I feel it gave me great tools to deal with issues that are hard for those who never had counseling.

This is were I feel this blog will really help me whether or not anyone is reading.

I have my days where I hold a baby and feel so disconnected which is not me at all, I love babies, some times I have to hold back the emotions because all I can think about when I hold another baby is how old Asa would have been, what mile stones he would have reached and most of all what his personality would have been like, and its hard to always hide those tears away so that your not upsetting a mother while holding her baby......

It's also heart breaking that my two sons have been having a hard time dealing with the loss of Asa, they were very much a part of my pregnancy, they would rub my belly and talk to him, they were at every ultrasound. So when we found out it was only natural for them to be heart broken as well after all they wanted to be big brothers.

Anxiety has riddled my oldest, ever since we lost the baby he hates for me to be out of site, he cries at night for his little brother, I just have to keep telling him that Asa is in a better place being cared for by those we've lost who love him, death is a hard thing to process when your 8.

Its hard to talk about the very issue of loosing your child so close to delivery, it makes people uneasy and even people you love don't want to bring it up.

I look forward to a day when I can look back and feel healed in my heart, always going to be a work in progress.